By Rev Geoff Usher
In trying to reduce the pain of loss there are some things we can do: the five R’s:
- Re-negotiate the new reality.
The person who has died, is now present in memory and imagination, if not physically. When conducting funeral and memorial services, I often use the little Valediction by Leigh Hunt:
0 friends that remain, ye will keep as much of me as ye are able; kind thoughts of me; recollections of our mutual joys and sufferings; recollections of the pardon we gave each other. You will love all whom I have loved, and me in them. ,
2. Re-construct inwardly.
We can try to achieve cognitive re-construction, to talk about “the way I now think about …”; or to put the incident in the past tense, so that we can say: “It was terrible, but now is …”
We need to avoid being locked into the past, locked into the former relationship, and not getting on with the present.
We may need to identify – and perhaps remove – the “triggers” that push us back into the mess. We may, for example, need to put way the photographs, or burn the love letters; but we should not do so too hastily.
3. Regain control.
This may be more important than trying to remove or escape from the triggers. We may need to regain control over the triggers, or over our reactions to them.
4. Reverse the demoralisation.
We need to find ways to get ourselves out of the mire: We must first recognise that we are demoralised.
One of the greatest dangers in any loss is the loss of self.
If we have said: I was “shattered”. I “fell apart / fell to pieces”; we may need to be able to say: I need to re-strengthen myself. I need to recover my self esteem / my self worth / my self image.
5. Recover
We cannot recover what has been lost, but in emotional losses we can recover / re-invest / re-ignite our selves and our feelings.
Like salmon going upstream in spite of the obstacles, we can persist in spite of obstacles. We can continue to struggle, rather than just give up and drift downstream.
Harry Stone was a boxing teacher in Australia many years ago. One of the things he taught his boys was: “You’re not beaten until you can’t get off the canvas.”
It is important to change the way in which we perceive the event. In re-negotiating the new reality, it is important to listen to the language of the loss.. We need to be able to describe carefully and in detail how it happened and how it felt then and how it feels now. We need to acknowledge our feelings, and be willing to move forward.
I finish with words by Margaret Hill, in a meditation entitled “Holy Spirit”: Open your arms, that I may feel your love. Open my’ eyes, that I may see your face. Open my ears, that I may hear your voice. Open my mind, that I may understand what you say to me. Give me the strength to bear whatever you ask of me. Give me the patience to understand what others have to do. Give me the light to show the way to peace within. Give me the love to fulfil my life, and help others to do the same.
This an excerpt from the sermon by the Rev Geoff Usher. To read the complete talk, click here.
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